


The Great Hogwart's Prank-Off, 1978

by kinky_kneazle



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-30
Updated: 2010-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-06 20:02:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinky_kneazle/pseuds/kinky_kneazle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fight goes wrong, and suddenly there is war between Sirius and James.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Hogwart's Prank-Off, 1978

None of them quite remembered how it started, but it ended with James and Sirius toe-to-toe screaming at each other.

"Now look here, Antler-boy –"

"Antler-boy! You're just jealous that I'm King of the Forest and you're stuck sniffing people's crotches for the rest of your life. We shouldn't have called you Padfoot. Fluffy would be better." The three other boys stared open-mouthed as James continued. "Longbottom got Alice a poodle for Christmas. Named it Snuffles. I vote we re-name you. After all Padfoot's not a fitting name for our bitch."

"Oooh." Remus and Peter looked to Sirius whose face had gone an alarming shade of red.

"You have impugned my honour, sir. And I demand satisfaction!"

"I vote for a spelling bee."

"Shut up Remus! It has to be a duel."

"Peter, do not encourage them. Although…you can only duel if it's to the death."

"If we can have silence from the gallery," James glared at their audience, "Snuffles and I will not do anything so plebeian as duel. We have to match our skills for an even competition."

"Yes. Bambi here knows I would wipe the floor with him in a duel. So what is the challenge to be?"

They paced for some time, thinking hard before Sirius turned, a smirk on his face.

"A prank-off."

"No!" Remus voiced his protest.

"Excellent!"

"Peter, what have I told you about encouraging them?"

"What are the rules?" James was all business.

"Rules? This is a prank-off."

"Then how will we know who wins Snuffles?" Sirius ground his teeth at the name.

"Those two will judge."

"Oh, no. They're always on _your_ side. We need a points system."

"Okay. One point for Gryffindors. Two for Hufflepuffs, three for Ravenclaws, four for Slytherin. Teacher's get five and Dumbledore ten."

"Okay. And if we get our opponent it's ten as well. Anyone off limits?"

"Only Filch. You know McGonagall said we'd get expelled if we bothered him again," James added at the look on Sirius face. "Any help allowed?"

"These two."

"And Lily."

"Fine."

"Ah," Remus interrupted. "Time limit?"

"Whoever has the most points at the end of a week."

"And no cloak or map."

"What?" James was aghast.

"Or we both get equal time."

"Fine."

"One more thing," Remus said. "Nothing intentionally cruel. I meant it."

"Yes Remus," they chorused.

An hourglass was conjured, followed by a chalkboard. They used a spell similar to the one used to record house points. Every time Peter or Remus awarded points it would be recorded.

"Are we ready then?"

Sirius nodded.

"May the better man win."

 

Day One

Two first-years woke up with blue hair, and a third year boy found his uniform was suddenly too tight. The day was one of dungbombs and trip jinxes, but a fake wand left carefully on Flitwick's desk gave Sirius an early lead.

When they gathered in their dorm to go over the day Remus and Peter expressed their disappointment.

"Boring."

"Uncreative."

"I mean," said Peter, "this is what you did in first year. We expect more from you."

"Maybe –" Remus paused, looking thoughtful. "Maybe you can never be as great separately as you are together."

"There's a word for that."

"Synergy, Peter," said Remus.

"It's called co-dependence," said Sirius.

"And it ends now." James jerked his curtains shut and the others quickly followed his example.

 

Day Two

Both boys realised quickly that Gryffindors weren't worth pranking unless you got a lot of them at once. Besides, everyone in the tower was spelling their bed curtains shut by the evening of day one. In the interests of house peace Remus and Lily helped the first-years. That just meant individuals couldn't be targeted. Dorm rooms were a completely different matter.

The third-year boys woke up to a rotten smell, and no way to get rid of it (childish, in Sirius' opinion). The seventh-year girls found their underpants had been turned invisible (deranged, James thought, before running off to find Lily).

At the end of the day, nothing else spectacular had happened. James was just ahead on points, but Remus and Peter still shook their heads in disappointment. The ex-best-friends glared at each other before planning the next day.

 

Day Three

"Mr Snape, perhaps if you took better care of your possessions, they would last you longer."

Snape looked down at the six broken quills in front of him then back up into the eyes of their Potions Professor.

"I'm sorry, sir."

Professor Hemlock handed the boy a quill. "Please take care of mine."

"Yes sir."

Snape held it tentatively between his fingers and began softly writing. Once the professor's back was turned Sirius pointed his wand from underneath his desk and murmured under his breath. The snap of the nib breaking echoed through the room, as did Professor's Hemlock's shout.

"Mr Snape! You will do detention with me tonight. Maybe I can teach you to respect others belongings!"

"Yes Sir," said Snape as he shot a glare at the too-innocent-looking Sirius Black.

"Be back here at eight."

Over lunch the argument raged over whether it was one prank or seven. They finally settled on four points for the quills and four for detentions. Sirius was pulling away from the competition.

In the afternoon, James spent Transfigurations subtly changing Robert Bones' attempts from the other side of the room. Unfortunately for him McGonagall was much more observant than Hemlock, and he got landed in detention. That night, with James out of the way, Sirius was left with the cloak, the map, and a clear field.

 

Day Four

It seemed the entire seventh-year Ravenclaw class was missing from breakfast. Peter shrugged, James scowled, Remus looked worried, and Sirius grinned. Just as Professor Flitwick was going to go looking for them, one of the prefects ran in, a terrified look on her face.

"Miss Patil? What is it?"

"They're gone, Professor. All gone." With that, she burst into tears.

Remus turned to Sirius. "You didn't kidnap the seventh year Ravenclaws, did you?"

Sirius was doubled over in silent giggles, tears running down his cheeks. He shook his head.

"Better," he gasped, before dissolving into giggles. By this stage the girl had calmed down enough to speak.

"When we went to read our notes to prepare for today's lessons, they'd disappeared."

"The books?"

"No, all the parchment was still there. It was only the ink that had disappeared. All that time wasted." The poor girl was distraught, and Sirius couldn't hold back any longer. A loud guffaw rang across the wall, and barely a second later half the students joined in.

"Mr Black!" Sirius shut up quickly as his head of house approached the table. "What do you know about this?"

He tried for an innocent smile, but burst out laughing again as the Ravenclaw girl came across yelling at him.

"Sirius Black you good-for-nothing, evil, dirty, sneaky-"

"Miss Patil, that's enough."

"Stupid, ignorant-"

"Miss Patil."

"Prankster!" She spat it out as if it was the dirtiest word she knew. Sirius hadn't stopped laughing at all during the tirade.

"Keep your pants on Princess." McGonagall scowled. "It's just a modified Obfuscaro charm."

"Really?" Flitwick sounded interested.

"I changed it so it would only target ink. And it's set on a timer. It will only last for one hour after the notes were first looked at."

There was a huge sigh of relief from Patil, who turned and asked a first-year to run and tell the rest of her classmates.

"Ingenious." Flitwick was impressed. "Five points to Gryffindor."

There were sounds of outrage from the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables before McGonagall spoke up.

"And detention with me every Sunday for the next month."

"I'll look forward to it Professor."

In the meantime Peter had done some quick arithmetic. "That's thirty points in one hit Sirius. Plus five for the house. Wow, James is really going down."

 

Day Five

It was Quidditch day and both pranksters agreed that any equipment, uniforms or anything to do with their own team was off-limits.

That didn't include hair, in James's opinion. The Slytherin team flew out scowling under their red and gold tresses. Severus glared while James smiled sweetly back.

"I think you look better, Snivellus. If you like, I can make it permanent."

Thus began the most violent game of Quidditch Hogwart's had seen in years. After their great victory both boys lost a night of pranking as one broken bone was mended and one tooth regrown. When Remus and Peter visited with Butterbeer and Bertie Bott's, James pulled Peter aside. Sirius strained to hear.

"You see, Peter, to prank truly well, you have to know someone's weaknesses."

A box changed hands and Peter gave reassurances to James that it would get to "him".

Weaknesses, huh. He turned to Remus. He had a plan.

 

Day Six

When Dumbledore walked in to the Great Hall the next morning, his long hair was bright purple, and his long beard was a complementary pink.

"Headmaster? What have you done to your hair?" McGonagall looked shocked.

"It seems my Lemon Drops had an unexpected side effect this morning. He looked directly at James as he said it.

James looked at Sirius.

"Ten points. Beat that."

Sirius opened his mouth to reply but the mail arrived. James was too focussed on gloating to notice the large bunch of red roses being delivered to Lily until she squealed.

"Oh James! Thank you!" She gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

"For what?"

"The roses, silly." He looked at her blankly. "You didn't send me a bunch of roses?"

"Who's been sending you flowers?"

"Is that a container tucked in the wrapping, Lily?" Alice and the other girls were examining the gift closely. Lily pulled out the small bottle and read the label.

"_Preservation Potion. Add to water of cut flowers to prolong their life. S. Snape._ Severus?"

Lily and James both looked up at Snape just as he looked at Lily and smiled. Lily smiled back and James scowled.

"I'm gonna kill him."

In the hallway after breakfast James ran to catch Snape. Sirius and Remus stepped back to enjoy the show.

"What are you doing with my girlfriend Snivellus?"

"Look, Potter, it's not my fault your girlfriend is looking for something more in a man." Snape was gripping a piece of parchment tightly.

"Lily?"

"I'm what?"

"I got your letter this morning Lily. I'd be happy to take you to Hogsmeade next weekend."

"I never sent any … Sirius Alphard Black!" Lily turned and saw that the two boys were leaning against the wall, clutching their stomachs.

"That's ten points for you." Sirius pointed at James. "One for her, and," he gasped, "four for him. For a grand total of fifteen. Know a person's weaknesses James. It's the way to a good prank."

Sirius turned and walked towards the dungeons.

 

Day Seven

James was losing. The Ravenclaw prank (pure genius, really) had cost him too much ground, and he needed something simple, but big to catch up.

Remus and Sirius walked past a group of first year Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors getting told off by McGonagall when one of them pointed at Remus.

"He told us!"

"Mr Lupin?" Professor McGonagall looked at him quizzically.

"Yes Professor?"

"Can you explain this?"

"Explain what?"

"Why you told my first-years that their class was being held outside." Remus blinked. "I would expect something like this from Mr Black or Mr Potter, but not you Mr Lupin."

"I didn't tell them anything, Professor. We've been in class."

"Yes you did, Remus. As we arrived to class." The others all nodded.

"You'll join Mr Black in detention this Sunday, and that will be five points from Gryffindor. The rest of you, back to class."

James ran up behind them, and Remus watched the ends of his hair turn from sandy brown to black, and two scars on his face fade.

"What's up?"

"I have detention James. For pranking the first years."

James grinned. "You know, that's thirty-six points for me! I think I've caught up."

"Oh shut up James." Remus walked away.

"I upset him."

"Mmmm."

 

That night Sirius was sitting on his bed watching the last minutes tick down when the door opened and James sat down beside him.

"Remus isn't talking to me."

"Well, you did get him a detention. Lily isn't talking to me."

"Well, you embarrassed her in front of the entire hall. What was this fight about again?"

"Who knows? You're still my best friend."

"Don't get all mushy on me Padfoot." They grinned at each other. "So the scores are even. I guess we should have seen that one coming. So we're both the better men? What did Moony call it?"

"Synergy."

"Co-dependence." James held his hand out. "Friends again?"

"Friends," Sirius said as he took James' hand. They both felt the magic shoot through their hands and up their arms. The immediately jerked their hands away, but they were stuck, and Sirius, who was stronger, pulled James down on top of him. A flash went off from Peter's bed, and Lily, Remus and Peter fell off of it laughing.

"We wanted you to be friends again, but this is going a bit far guys."

"It will be a nice photo, though."

"Very funny. Now let us go." James tried for an authoritative voice.

"No." Lily stepped closer and peered into his eyes. "You're stuck together until morning. We want to make sure you've truly forgiven each other."

"We'll be back later. Enjoy your night!"

They looked at each other.

"Well, sleeping's going to be awkward."

"Don't worry about that for now. What's the plan for getting them back tomorrow?"


End file.
